Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
