My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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