the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
