I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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