My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
