Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
