As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
