Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
