I feel like abortions should bother me more
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
