I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
