i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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