I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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