The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
