Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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