you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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