...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
