come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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