Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
