Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
