i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
