Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
hell yes lets make some ravioli
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
