if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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