How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
dude. I can hear the air.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
