Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
