I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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