shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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