she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
