I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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