bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
