I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
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Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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