my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
