just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
