Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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