You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
