I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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