when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
