My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
