I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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