Pants 0. Shit 1.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
