ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
