I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
