fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
