i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
