we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
