I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
