dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
