Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
