It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
