i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
