but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
