Can i not drive my cunt home
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
