I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
