The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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