I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
