Cold hands, warm shart.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Life without a bra equals bliss.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
