woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
